Thinking About Parenting Styles

Mental Health Matters

Dr. Shirley Huisman, MSW, LISW-CP/S, PhD

Owner/Therapist at Oasis Therapy Services

February 2nd, 2026

Our knowledge of human behavior is expanding all the time.  Science helps expand and clarify what we know at any given time and often leads us forward in building new knowledge. At other times, it can appear that research findings are proclaiming the obvious, what most people find to be common sense. I recall my dad reading about research findings verifying that dropping tomatoes in boiling water makes it easier to remove the skins.

My parents both had 8^th-grade educations, were born just before the Great Depression, and were raised in an agricultural community on the central prairie of the United States.  They conducted their lives by the guidelines of what I call practical utilitarianism. I can still hear dad’s laughter about the tomatoes echoing through the house in reaction to what was so clearly obvious to anyone with an ounce of good old common sense. I do imagine that research study also had other implications and findings, but Dad had already dismissed the study out of hand for what he saw as a complete waste of what was most likely taxpayer dollars. 

            While the connection to tomatoes may not be immediately apparent, back in the mid 1900s, parenting was also viewed as “an obvious”, with little need for research attention. In fact, for many of my parent’s generation, “parent” was a noun. Something you were. You were a parent. Since that time, much more attention has been given to understanding “parenting” as a verb. We think about how we parent as much as we are parents.  As a perpetual student of human behavior, I am keenly aware that humans typically parent as we were parented, unless we consciously decide to do so differently.

            Several months ago, one of my family members asked me what I thought about “gentle parenting”. They and their spouse are navigating the challenges of parenting a three-year-old and a six-month-old. Their impression seemed to be that gentle parenting allows children do whatever they want without guidelines or consequences. The child is in charge. I think this impression is perpetuated by social media. This conversation gave me pause to think about the fads and misconceptions of parenting styles and approaches. I feel great empathy for them as they make their way through the challenges of their young children’s emotions and needs. As a result, I was prompted to look at the research on parenting trends.

            Research has revealed four commonly acknowledged styles of parenting, along with the observed outcomes of each. Just for the record, social media often misrepresents research on these types of issues and is often driven by misunderstandings about what each type consists of. What I found is both fascinating and enlightening.

            My search eventually took me to several sources that shared similar results, one of which is the National Library of Medicine. This source reported on a review of parenting literature across time and academic lines of inquiry.  NIM reported four consistent and distinct styles or parenting approaches. These four styles fall along two different continuums that include parental responsiveness and parental demandingness. Additionally, not to state the obvious, but children do not have control over the parenting style under which they are raised.

This is one for adults to own.

            Permissive Parenting involves high levels of parental responsiveness or warmth (quickly reacting to what the child wants) along with low levels of parental demandingness (few parentally set boundaries that will withstand the strong will of a youngster). What does this look like in family life? This type of parenting is what we call child-driven. The permissive parent rarely gives or enforces rules. The child is in the driver’s seat, so to speak. A frightening thought, given their lack of a license or experience as drivers. Parents coming from this style tend to overindulge the child to avoid conflict. They often interpret their child’s emotional reactions as a sign that they are “bad parents”. Completely understandable given how much energy it takes to wrangle an emotionally reactive child. It is much easier to give your three-year-old one more cookie than it is to say “no” and suffer the wrath of a writhing, wriggling forty pounds of emotion who is used to getting that extra cookie plus a few more.

            If you are thinking that this style does not offer the child many boundaries, you are correct. The child sets the ground rules simply by their wants and desires, which, to be clear, are still pretty much grounded in immediate needs and wants. This style has some long-term consequences that are worth thinking about. The child is often appeased for poor behavior and emotional dysregulation. These children may also display higher levels of creativity and independence. However, boundaries do serve a protective purpose. Permissive parenting can be compared to not only removing the bumper guards on the bowling lanes but also removing the lanes altogether so the child can swing that ball in any direction at any time. It will hit anything in its way. It can become destructive to the child in the long run.

            A second parenting style is known as Disengaged Parenting. Disengaged parents are low in both responsiveness and warmth, as well as low in demandingness.  There is little emotional support, guidance, or attention to the child’s needs. The child cries, and there is no response from the adult. The adult also provides little demandingness or control, which, in its best form, provides the child with structure. Because there is little parental presence or investment, rules and boundaries are not presented or enforced. To use the scenario above, the child asks for a cookie, and no one responds. The child learns to climb on a chair to reach the cookie jar and proceeds to eat all the cookies. Or they lack coordination, and the cookie jar falls off the counter, breaks into shards on the floor, and now there is an additional danger. They will get injured from the shards on the floor.

            Because disengaged parents are basically uninvolved in the child’s life on either measure, children in these situations often struggle with emotional and behavioral difficulties. It is literally as if no one is interested in their existence or their safety. They may experience problems with academic and social development. There simply is not enough structure for the child to feel safe in any environment. They learn to look like they are in charge of themselves to survive, but inside, they feel unsafe. They receive very few messages that they are important enough for their adults to pay them attention or to know that they matter. To be clear, permissive parents are often struggling with some additional stressors, such as adult mental health or addiction conditions. The adults are often in their own survival struggle.

A third parenting style is known as Authoritarian Parenting. This style involves high levels of parental demandingness, along with low levels of responsiveness and warmth. Communication tends to trend in one direction, that being from parent to child. Rules are rarely explained by the adult to the child, but adults expect those rules to be followed closely and perfectly. Expectations are often high, and when the child does not meet them, punishment is meted out. The child learns to survive by figuring out what remains unspoken.

            Children in these situations tend to outwardly be very well behaved, following rules very closely. But they do so to avoid punishment rather than because following the rules is the right thing to do. They also tend to display higher levels of aggression along with shyness, social struggles, and difficulties making their own decisions. Their environment has offered little warmth or emotional connection. They may have difficulties regulating their own emotions and reactions since they have not had anyone to help them co-regulate. They also tend to have lower self-esteem, which impacts their decision-making.  They also tend to rebel against authority figures in adolescence and teen years as a result of living under strict parental rules.

          A fourth style is known as Authoritative Parenting. This style tends to include high levels of warmth and responsiveness as well as high expectations. These parents tend to have close and nurturing relationships with their children. They have clear expectations that they explain to the children and work to create understanding for the disciplinary decisions they make. Discipline is used to provide safety and support for the child rather than as a mechanism of punishment. Authoritative parents include their children in setting goals and developing their interests. They foster frequent, open, and supportive communication. While this parenting style requires a great deal of patience and understanding on the part of the parents, it also tends to produce the healthiest outcomes for children and the healthiest long-term relationships between parents and their adult children.

            These children tend to have better emotional regulation, leading to more effective interpersonal relationships. They also demonstrate greater confidence, taking on responsibility and personal regulation in general. They can negotiate difficult situations more effectively. Because of the supportive relationship with their parents, they display more confidence, which allows them to accomplish their goals. They also tend to do well academically, which reinforces their higher self-esteem. Going back to the driver metaphor, they have had excellent driving teachers, and when the right time comes, they are capable of being safe and responsible drivers in the community.  

So, given these four basic styles, let’s go back to the question I started this column with today. Where does “gentle parenting” fit in? Let’s look at what it does and does not mean. Gentle parenting grew out of a desire to parent differently than traditional authoritarian parenting, where rule following and obedience are central. It can be seen as a second generation of authoritative parenting. Let’s look at what it does and does not involve.

            Gentle parenting begins with a strong parent-child relationship. I also believe that a strong parent-child relationship can help bring those parents and children through almost anything that may come their way. Gentle parents practice effective, consistent, and compassionate boundaries rather than harsh punishments and coercion. Its core principles include empathy and validation, respect, understanding, boundaries, and modeling the behavior parents want to see in their children.

Gentle parenting is not permissive. It is not about control. It is not punishment-free. Read that line again, because it puts to rest some of the myths about this style of parenting. If you must, read it three times.

Gentle parenting involves several important parental practices. These include staying calm and regulating themselves. It focuses on understanding underlying behavior. Gentle parents remain curious about what a child’s behavior is communicating rather than trying to make the behavior just go away. Gentle parenting involves teaching children coping skills that enable them to manage their own emotions and reactions.

Gentle parenting offers age-appropriate choices that give children a sense of agency while keeping them safe.

At the end of the day, I encourage parents I work with to envision what they want their relationships with their children to look like when the parents themselves are older and more dependent on their adult children. Thinking about the present with the future in mind. Parenting holds one of life’s greatest lessons. We want our children to treat us with respect, warmth, and understanding when we become more dependent.  Children are actually like little mirrors of ourselves. Chances of that actually happening dramatically increase when we have demonstrated those same qualities with them when they are young.